my new year's adventure
it was the beginning of the new year, and i was super excited! my family had planned to visit my grandma in the countryside. we woke up early, ate our breakfast in a hurry, and packed our bags with all sorts of things, like toys, books, and, oh, don't forget the snacks! i couldn't wait to see the cows and chickens again.
on the way, we stopped at a small bakery. i bought a cake shaped like a snowman, which melted in my mouth, yum! but then, something funny happened. i accidentally dropped my toy car on the floor, and it rolled away, fast as lightning. a little girl picked it up, thinking it was hers. i was about to explain, but she ran off before i could say anything. that made me feel sad, but my mom said, 'don't worry, we'll get you a new one.'
when we arrived at grandma's, there was a big feast waiting for us. the food was so delicious that i ate more than i should have, making my tummy feel like a balloon. after dinner, we played games and told stories by the fireplace. it was a night filled with laughter and joy.
the next day, we went on a hike. i found a beautiful feather, and i imagined it belonged to a magical bird. but, suddenly, a dog chased after me, barking loudly. i was scared, but my dad came to the rescue, pretending to be a fierce lion, scaring the dog away. it was a thrilling adventure!
that night, when i wrote in my diary, i realized how much fun i'd had. even though losing my toy car was sad, i learned that things can always be replaced. and, the dog chase? well, that just added some excitement to my new year's adventure.
老師評(píng)語：
本文生動(dòng)地描繪了新年期間的家庭旅行，充滿了童趣和生活氣息。但文中存在一些小瑕疵。如'fast as lightning'的比喻稍顯夸張，小學(xué)生可能無法準(zhǔn)確把握其含義。另外，“my tummy feel like a balloon”雖然形象，但語法上應(yīng)改為'my tummy felt like a balloon'。
內(nèi)容亮點(diǎn)：
文章中對(duì)新年的期待、旅途中的小插曲以及鄉(xiāng)村生活的描繪，都展現(xiàn)出作者的獨(dú)特視角和生動(dòng)想象力。尤其是爸爸扮演獅子趕走狗的情節(jié)，富有戲劇性，給人留下深刻印象。
優(yōu)化參考：
在描述玩具車丟失的情節(jié)時(shí)，可以更細(xì)致地描繪小作者的心理變化，如：'i watched helplessly as my toy car disappeared from sight, feeling a pang of sadness in my heart.' 這樣能更好地展現(xiàn)情感的細(xì)膩。
批改后作文
it was the dawn of the new year, and i leapt out of bed, brimming with excitement. our family was headed to the countryside to visit grandma. breakfast was a rushed affair, followed by a flurry of packing, including my beloved toy car, books, and, of course, an abundance of snacks.
en route, we stumbled upon a quaint bakery. there, i purchased a snowman-shaped cake that dissolved delightfully on my tongue. however, disaster struck when my toy car slipped from my hand, rolling into a corner. before i could retrieve it, a little girl snatched it, dashing off before i could clarify. i felt a twinge of disappointment, but mom reassured me with a promise of a new one.
grandma's house welcomed us with a sumptuous feast. overwhelmed by the delectable dishes, i overate, leaving my stomach bulging like a party balloon. post-dinner, we gathered around the fireplace, engrossed in games and storytelling, filling the night with laughter.
the following day, a hiking adventure awaited. amidst nature's beauty, i discovered a stunning feather, envisioning it as a magical bird's lost treasure. suddenly, a playful dog dashed towards me, barking playfully. heart racing, i froze until dad swooped in, mimicking a fierce lion, sending the dog scampering. it was a thrilling, albeit unexpected, encounter.
reflecting on the day in my journal, i understood that while losing my toy car was disheartening, it was a reminder that material possessions can always be replaced. the dog's chase, though scary, injected an exhilarating twist into my new year's adventure.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
為了提高寫作水平，建議多閱讀《小王子》以學(xué)習(xí)生動(dòng)的想象力，閱讀《查理和巧克力工廠》感受家庭生活的溫馨，同時(shí)，學(xué)習(xí)《格林童話》中的情節(jié)構(gòu)建和人物描繪，以增強(qiáng)故事的吸引力。
